Since I graduated I never felt secure about my career. 1998 was my graduation year. so 20 years on and I never really could declare that i didn’t have to think what i will be doing next month.
did i want such a permanent job that would not need me to think?
Actually I never wanted anything permanent but did I want to always have to be planning about the future?
Of course if i didn’t like this is life I would have settled with unhappiness but a stable life sometime in 20 years. However my inner peace always trumped permanence.
so I think this negative feeling is a side-effect of a bigger tradeoff I made.
could i live without this insecurity?
Security entails loss of happiness because one has to put on a face for too long to keep the permanence. so most likely the two feelings inner peace and the desire to have security are mutually exclusive.
That said i always try to come up with the next strategy that will add some permanence. It seems to work but again success too early prevents one from experiencing varieties of circumstances. If i opted for that i would have not gotten this vast experience I today have.