Inner conflict of an enlightened one

June 2, 2019
2 min read

My life is just different.

As I watch out into the trees out of my office, after a 2 hours nap in my recliner, having had tea and cookies , fixed the water pump, waiting to go swimming after my sandwich, there is nothing I want more. I have just achieved the ultimate goals of life.

  • renunciation while working
  • the perfect balance of work and life
  • “enough”

Yet I am embodied and the mind is always active. the desire to be more useful to society lingers in my mind.

In my life I have been through so much stages of unemployment that the break in active life I am facing now is nothing. I rose from nothing and even burried. Everytime it was less about what i did different but simply higher forces that fixed opportunities for me so that i could learn things and earn money to fulfill immediate needs.

Now money is not an issue. But working and getting appreciated through payment is a desire that can not be ignored just like that.

However at the same time, I am so happy at where i have arrived:

  • equilibrium of mind, body and soul
  • full understanding of my life

I would not want to be busy like I was in the hay days. those days I needed money, I earned it, my wife invested it. Now I am rich and happy.

So now I am in this inner conflict of wanting to earn big time by doing what i am best at , ie. consulting, and leaving it all behind and waiting for the divine call.

Obviously, I have and will always be waiting the divine call. I just allow myself to want like a normal human.

I don’t want much: I just want to be useful to some people and get paid reasonably.

I just believe I have so much to give to the world.

As i write I just received confirmation call for series of programs. That feels so great.

This is how i want it:

live life like a dead soul but be useful like a president