Without friends

Sat, Sep 12, 2020

On Life/Success

The machine got fixed at no cost by my reliable supplier. I am happy that I have a network of such reliable suppliers for all my maintenance needs.

I feel good for after so long I have been a client.

I miss being the supplier that is all.

The type of talk that results from this client-vendor relationship is unique. It is the only one I knew and the only one that worked. I never was able to sustain any friendship because I could not bend to their choices. I did when I was in school, in college but I deviated at university, never to return into the friendship wagon. In Singapore I had few close friends. I still rejoice their friendship because when you have no one in a foreign country friends seem to matter a lot. But back in Nepal I could not enjoy any friendship.

Clients almost became friends in some cases but I always felt it was fake, so I never went through with.

The main issue I had is that in any relationship I was becoming the one being confided into and ending up giving counseling. To them it was as if they did me a favor by pouring out their inner self. But I knew that to me it was my job and I could get paid for it.

May be it is like being a cook. People can love your dishes but then at point cooking is your job.

So my life has been devoid of friends. There is no one for whom I would compromise my choice: that is what makes any one friendless like me. I compromise on my choices daily for my family however. I have surrendered to my wife and my mother, and even my son. It is a very weak position to put oneself in. but this is love. To be it is either all or nothing. I guess it because I could not have an in-between in terms of surrender.

At times I regret but most of the time I am happy that I don’t have to bend for anyone, nor do I need to ask anyone to bend for me.

It is lonely.

But I don’t wish to have company that will destroy my inner peace.

Then may be that is why I am happy that my wife has many more friends than me.

So is it this way? I have no friend? Sometimes I wonder…

For me writing is my best friend. For whom am I writing, for example, this blog? If I become some body big, you might be reading it, otherwise it will disappear in oblivion like the kilos and kilos of diaries and thoughts I have been writing since I was a youth.

If anyone was to listen to me the way I write, they would either go mad or they would seriously be playing their cards to get something from me.

Even my wife can’t listen to me, even though I listen to her. In this way it was never equal but it is more equal in many other ways compared to any other relationship. But total equality cannot be. How much can she be?

May be I had a brother, he could have been a friend. But I doubt it, few brothers become friends.

Many people die without friends, so I will not be an exception.

It seems lonely. Sometimes I think that if I a friend who could complement my weakness, I would have become someone so famous and powerful now. But the problem is that , I don’t want these. I know from my past lives, these are futile and I desist them whole heartedly not out of fear but out of understanding. So I am even thinking that people should know me only after I die. But then it would be too obscure, so a middle ground will be found by god. Friends will have to come. I am prepared but I know my conditions.