In many of dreams i see myself in Singapore, where I basically begged my career up and I became what I am because of this shameless intrusion in the lives of my benefactors. There was no way I could be what I am without those years in singapore.
If i had not gone there and lived that life, I would be a crazy guy or the unhappiest employee.
I could have had got myself into an MBA program somewhere but then i would be screwed up because what i needed to learn in order to make a living in this life, was not in that course or in any university course.
I just needed to be there and no where else. I needed to see Steve Morris work and no one else.
However the toll of my begging attitude in those years have left a permanent scar in my psyche that reflect again and again in my dreams. In fact who has begged to start a career? All have but I guess I am being too hard on myself. This is may be because all my other years except the 4 in singapore I never had to beg anyone anything, let alone ask until i was 25. But there was no way I could live without staying in singapore.
I knew then too but it did not affect my emotions by the will of my higher self, that I was a burden. This blissful oblivion, has its price in my psyche till today. this sense of helplessness still lingers in me. I still feel like a beggar at times.
In my past life, I must have lived as a beggar according to buddhist tradition, so it is not a negative thing. It just humbles me.
No man can become a true man without having had to beg at least once in life.
Many waste away what they got from begging. Me I saved all the knowledge and invested it, and I could retire at 42 just having worked less than 10 years.
So I am sure if steve morris reads this blog he will not hate me for having taken advantage of his kindness. without the money he gave me, and the will he showed to keep in singapore and return me back to nepal, I would not have reaped so much rewards for myself, Nepal would have been less aware in terms of training, and management consulting.
I even hope that one day even his wife and children will be happy and proud that they had to allocate precious resources to this intruder that was me.
I didnt’ want to get a grant from any university, even if it was possible. No my life was totally measured differently.
May be that i why I want to go back to singapore and this time not live like a beggar. But I dont know how, and i don’t know if it is necessary, also for the coming 6 years I can’t.
But whatever bad the feeling i have projected here, I still live in the spirit of a beggar, but this time I beg to the universe instead of any individual. It is less degrading, I guess.
