This corona crisis has not added any problems to me but I am just worried about others. When i stopped worrying about others, there is nothing about this lock down that is against my flow of life. I had retired. I was always isolated. I have dried all my desires. I have enough.
In this time I am able to do many things I otherwise could not do before.
Besides that I think of all the people i met in the past. I will never meet them again, they will live only in my memory. In next life, we will meet definitely in one way or the other.
All the girls I courted flash in my mind. This life has been an endless sequence of attempts at love all failed until I reached the last one that was my wife. it was all the grand plan, i know. This life was to finish my love karma.
Then there was steve morris. I chose to take his favor. I would not have chosen any other guru. I will miss him forever. I cannot give him anything. I know we had been very close friends in past life otherwise I never would have taken so much from him. I could have got what i got from him, in other ways too.
my career was unique and unrepeatable. The career of even an astronaut can be repeated but not mine. It will never happen again because the jobs i did existed only for me. what else can i say?
i just feel 2000 just like yesterday. It has been 20 years. even in a cheque i could write 2000 and not be surprised. now in the next 20 years i will be 68 years old. o my god. and it will pass so fast and then when I will be 68 i will look back and recall how i was just 48 years old yesterday.
I look at my mother and to her she is the same young girl in kohiti. yet so much has changed for her.
i sigh because it is only this writing that i can express myself. more than saying I can, i should say it is only here I want to express myself.
Today I am tired of producing videos that are not paying me anything. but tomorrow i will re motivate myself again. but today I just want to let myself go.
