Like every year at this time I’m trying to plan on what I’m gonna do or what should I focus on in the coming year. Last year I had this grand and audacious vision that I will at least start writing books and in this year I managed to complete one full book and publish it then I have completed another book of the spiritual kind and now I am almost about to finish the third work. I never thought that I could have achieved this much so fast but I did. I checked my visions for last year and there was another item called promoting performance coaching and that one I miserably failed. I looked earlier and I realized the vision that I had mostly were delusional and outlandish and they were not who I was to be. Obviously, I failed but I did not fail because I lacked the discipline because I have it. I failed because I didn’t want those things enough and I did not want those things enough because I knew that they were just part of my delusional thinking. Then why did I think of them in the first place I guess it was to fulfill my childhood illusions my childhood wishes. And so all those years passed by with delusions dissolving one after the other.
I imagine what if the visions that I had since the last 10 years I started this practice became a reality. I would be a totally different person but I am happy with what I am today. If I succeeded at those visions that I know were delusions at that time I would be old fat or maybe a thin but unhappy ambitious but definitely unhappy successful rich powerful man with thousands of people trying to get attention of me. But I wouldn’t want any of this. This is what I know after 15 years.
I didn’t see myself through all those delusions upon delusions and each one getting lost like clouds in the sky I do not know what to think about this year and whether I should have a vision or not or I should just let the time pass by and focuc on whatever will come. It is not that I am afraid to have a vision and it is not that I am afraid to be disillusioned again because this is part of transformation.
I am struggling this year because so many good things happened that were unimaginable just even one year ago.
I have been sending SMS as a greeting for the Dashain since the last five years I think but I have stopped this year because my focus is no more on the material side and I know that the circle of people that I have been trying to reach are useless. When I began this practice it was not even because I hoped that it would be useful and instead it was to connect with people but I never managed to connect with anybody in my list good stuff it’s dead through my books I have been able to connect with so many people around the world but there will not be accepted by society but then I know that I am happier being with these people and my life will be more prosperous with them than with these people whom the world will accept but would not be able to give me anything substantial not even fun or a good company.
So what should be the focus and direction I should take in this year? I’m just totally blank this year and maybe I should just go with the flow, whatever comes.
Up till 2022 my aspirations and hopes were all about career. But after finishing those books I realized that there is something else in my life although I always knew it was there that is the path of liberation and enlightenment but I never really experienced it this way with so many synchronous events and people around me, So I just don’t know which direction to go although I have no option then to go in the current direction that I are in because there is nothing else for me to do. To many to be a burden or a curse was for me it’s easy and it’s a blessing.
I would think I’ll sit on it and Let me see what comes up tomorrow in my mind as an answer to these questions.