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Reflection in lockdown

Wed, May 27, 2020

On Life/Success

After so much reflection i am coming at peace with my days in singapore. i always felt i owed everything to steve but i realize when it was my turn i have done as much life changing help to many people at my cost. i never regret to have given them, and lost in the process. So i know steve too feels this way. finally chapter closed.

however i realize that now it is almost certain i will never meet him or anyone from the past in this life.

there are people who want to meet me from the past like the school friends but i don’t want to meet them because it would transport me in a time which was the most miserable and depriving.

Many people i want to meet again will never understand why i am trying to reach out. i would feel the same way is someone in the past did the same. it is human nature.

and may be this is why we live so much of our lives in memories.

yet i realized that i have forgotten so many people who had come so close to me, even a girl i almost married. of course it is better this way but it made me realize how fragile is our memory.

we hear of all these people who have dementia, and i wonder if we all don’t really suffer from it to some extent.

with corona virus reaching its peak, everything seems so distant. before i wished i could go to paris to see my old house. now i wish the same to see my house just a few kilometers away. then i realise there is no more difference between a thousand miles and one mile.

i even don’t know if i will be able to drive in traffic like before.

but i have found the secret to live in this isolation. i just wonder how the rest billions are learning. this experience of life was slowly coming to me over the years. to others is came suddenly.

i miss the cold wind of nagarkot and pokhara. that i cannot recreate.