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A life of thrill that was once upon a time

Tue, Sep 8, 2020

On Life/Success

At times I remember my life in Singapore. I was not a teenager but I lived my lost teenage years there. I miss those years. It is not a life that anyone, let alone can or should live for an extended time. But I went in, grabbed the fun and left never to come back. Now after corona virus, the life I lived will never occur again. It wasn’t even possible with the rise of facebook, camera in mobile phones and state surveillance since the last decade. But I had a great time in those days.

It was not always fun, how can such a life be? It was insecure, empty but exciting and thrilling. There was the pain of loneliness most of all. It was so lonely that distance and time didn’t matter to get some thrill.

I wanted to enjoy or experience that life.

Even while I was in Singapore and able to live that life over and over, I stopped after 2 years feeling how void it was. So I have no regret. At times when I would be unhappy in marriage at the height of my wife’s sickness, I wish I could go back to that life but I knew even if I was to go away, escape it would not be the same, as morally I would be different.

If anyone seriously asked me and wanted to listen without judgement I would tell him or her about the marvel of that life but it is too complex to understand.

All those memories, secret for me only. I lived life. I am happy. I have no regret.

So at times I wish I could just go to a disco and lose myself in the music, in the crowd, in the darkness flickering with flashes of light, with people who are more beautiful than they ever could be due to the veil of night and free flowing fantasy.

But I lived that desire fully leaving nothing to hang over for.

Not only that, I lived such a life of adventure, danger and physical uncertainty always betting against god. But I always made it out alive and that is how I am here writing. But I know I escaped with a very thin margin more than once. To me the real forest was the urban jungle.

It was the energy around you emitted by so many people who were care free at that time, looking for a good time. It was mixed with your own energy rising. Then the mixed and boom you had the greatest feeling, one of liberation, of Samadhi with total bliss. I didn’t drink or take drugs. Those who did had an impossible amount of surge of this energy numbing any raitionality in their head.